Pantomime July 29, 2009

In my fantasy Im a pantomime 
Ill just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean 
Words are too messy
And its way past time 
To hand in my mouth 

Paint my face white and try to 
Reinvent the sea 
One wave at a time 
Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight 

I aint afraid to let it out 
Im unafraid to take that fall 
But I have found beyond all doubt 
We say more by saying nothing at all 

In my fantasy no such thing as time 
Minutes bleed into days
Avant garde art
Show me your heresy
And Ill show you mine 
We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride 

I aint afraid to let it out 
Im unafraid to take that fall 
But I have found beyond all doubt 
We say more by saying nothing at all 

In my fantasy you look good entwined 
In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine 
Youre my deep secret 
Im your pantomime 
Ill just move my hands 
I promise youll see what I mean

Somebody July 26, 2009

+ I started watching How I Met Your Mother yesterday (Deb, aren’t you proud?). I remember seeing a few episodes at the guys’ place when they were working their way through the seasons, but it’s so much better in context!

+ There was one part of this other episode that really hit home for me. Marshall was saying that being a couple if hard; you have to make compromises and act as a couple instead of as an individual only responsible for yourself. But, when you know you’ve found the right person, it’s easy, and that’s how you know. All the things that make it hard to be in a relationship become easy when you’re with a person you’re willing to make sacrifices for, make changes for, etc, because at the end of the day, you know you have everything you’ve ever wanted out of life already. It’s not to say that it’s always going to be easy after years and years, cuz there will be fights and disagreements, but to a certain extent, it should be easy…and it definitely shouldn’t be hard. There shouldn’t be any emotional, mental, or physical strain to be with that person.

+ I got my nails done with Oksana yesterday! I LOOOOOVE them! They’re the cutest they’ve been in a while and if I’m not lazy about it this time, I’m gonna keep going back for fills. She’s leaving August 15th. I can’t believe she’s leaving…

+ I remember making a post about how July was gonna take forever to pass. Well, it’s almost over and I’m glad! I slept 11 hours last night and it felt SO good. Hahaha. I’m always so tired from the week. I know once the school year starts, it’ll be worse. I need to get back into the habit of sleeping at 10 so I can survive.

+ I have a NY trip coming up. Maybe a Vegas trip (but kinda doubtful). I’d like to work in a NorCal trip. Problem is, I have a fall class that starts Sept 3. That’s pretty much 3 weeks before the regular school system starts. What a bummer. This lack of vacation time, lack of sleep time is really bumming me out.

+ Well, it’s Sunday. The start of a new week. I have some HW to do right now and then an exciting week to look forward to. I’m brewing up plans to kick it with Rishu, who I haven’t seen in years. I’m actually really excited.

The Story July 15, 2009

We’re at the age where even if we haven’t been successful with relationships, we know people who have. We know couples who had been together for a long time and then broke up. We also know couples who have been together for a long time, are still together, yet are stagnant.

Why do people stay together when they aren’t happy anymore? What gives people the courage to break up?

When you’re in a relationship that has spanned across years and the other person has become a part of your identity, it’s hard to imagine yourself without them. It’s hard imagine your story being written without them whether the passion, laughter, and joy are present or not.

I’m a firm believer that if you aren’t happy, if the other person doesn’t make you want to be a better person, if you’ve stopped feeling lucky to have the other person, then it’s time to end it. No point fighting regularly. No point making the other person frown. No point making yourself feel less than your best.

People can’t walk away though. They only do under two conditions.

1) They have tapped into their “deep inner strength” and know that they can be stable without the other person. This takes self-assurance, confidence, and strength. It’s not an easy move, never is, but when it’s the right thing to do, it must be done.

2) They have found another prospect. Eyes wander, minds wander,  hearts wander. They shouldn’t, but they do. If you think you’re immune, you’re riding a high horse. It’s painful and it tears at a person to know that their love isn’t their love. That pain alone is enough is enough to bring out the selfishness in anyone.

I haven’t walked away from many relationships. It’s not something I enjoy doing, but I have to say, when I walked away for the first reason instead of the second, it was so much easier. I’m not advocating staying in unhealthy relationships, but I am hoping people can understand that there is life after the storm.

Know yourself and love yourself before you bring yourself into someone else’s life. If you’re a mess, all that baggage you bring, that load you’re hoping to lessen, it all falls on the other person’s shoulders. It isn’t fair and it definitely isn’t selfless love.

The Kiss July 14, 2009

Well, I’m up, so I’m here. The last [real] post was a little angry and bitter, so here’s my redemption post…something a little more typical of Angela…

+ These last couple of weeks of summer have been fun. Mostly cuz the work load from school let up for a bit so I had time to breathe. I’ve been exploring new places in SD, spending time with different people, catching up with old friends, and even running! I’m yet to get serious about working on my tan though. It’s just so HOT a task. Hahaha. The beach was absolutely amazing the other day. The water felt amazing after the initial cold shock, and the sand was warm and inviting.

+ Wooo! I’m kind of almost 22. I love my palindrome years. I’m excited for the new year and it definitely helps walking into it with an optimistic mindset. Let’s not thinking about how we’re getting old old old. [Edit: So, I realize I said "palindrome yearS," implying that I've lived many, but this is only my second! Hahaha. But, in general, palindromes (numerical, or otherwise) are awesomeeee.]

+ Remember my initial summer plans of not having more than 2 tutees? Well, that failed. Big time. I tutor twice a week from 2:30-8. Seriously speaking though, I’m gonna stop when the school year starts. Well, actually, that depends. If I get an internship then I’ll quit. If I can only be a student teacher then I’ll keep going cuz I’ll need the moola.

+ I learned about Shiva and Ganesha today (and also from Deb on Saturday). Very interesting stuff. I’m way down. Oh! And I also found out that DMB made a poster for their first summer show this year and it’s a pic with Ganesha holding all their instruments. I think I might have to get my hands on that. It’s too awesome.

+ I’m getting coffee with Oksana tomorrow (today). I’m so excited. It’s been MONTHS since I’ve seen her…the longest break her and I have taken from each other. Oy voy. So much catching up to do….we’re gonna be in Starbucks until closing like back in the day.

+ It’s such a trip to think about how short but long 4 years is. During the 4 years of college, people have changed so much, some to unrecognizable extents. Then again, some people haven’t changed at all. Lol. It’ll be interesting to see where another 4 years takes us.

+ The remaining bits of July are gonna take forever to pass. I’m excited for August and September. The tail-end of summer is always great.

+ Somehow, “Barbara” is still lingering. I don’t like that much at all. That should’ve passed long long ago.

+ Ohhhh my Godddd. If I can’t fall asleep soon I’m gonna be so tired tomorrow. Gonna try again. Good night, my lovelies.

Guest Check July 14, 2009

Well he thinks that he’s got me 
He thinks that I’m giving in 
See, I know all the lies and the alibis and the hypnotizing 
Where do I begin? 

He says that girls lie 
But I got news for him, cause boys lie too 
See I’m through with all your games 
And all your excuses, down to everything you say and do 

Cause I’ve seen things from a different view 
And I realize all the things I already knew 
You’re not for me 
You know I don’t think that you’ve ever been good for me 

You know, there’s got to be someone out there who’s real 
There’s got be someone who can honestly say they feel 
This music underneath my fingertips 
She says, “get a grip girl, cause guys like that don’t exist” 

Well I just wanna laugh my way through life 
And not worry about whether they think what I’m doing is wrong or right 
Cause I’ve got so much to learn 
And you know this fires just dying to burn… 

I think it’s time to leave…. 
Can I have the guest check please? 
I’m saying good-bye, to all the comfortable things 
I’m going out living my life, gonna see what a little livin’ will bring 

Cause I’ve seen things from a different view 
And I realize all the things I already knew 
Cause you’re not for me 
And no I don’t think that you’ll ever be good for me

Oil and Water July 13, 2009

I’m sure everyone’s been asked, “Would you rather be a guy or a girl?” I’ve always said that I’d rather be a girl cuz there isn’t the pressure to be the bread winner. Most guys’ll say they’d rather be a guy cuz they don’t have to get periods. The thing is, now, I’d rather be a guy. Not cuz of periods, not cuz of the future, but cuz of the present.

Men don’t understand the kind of crap women have to put up with every day. Women are the target, the prey. Men are the predator. It’s much easier to attack than to be attacked. Screw the crap about how men have the work up courage to talk to a girl, or that it’s hard to make the first move. Men are pigs and dogs. They’ll say or do whatever it takes to get what they want. It’s not about the girl; it never was.

Girls are human too. We have emotions, we’re sensitive, we KNOW when we’re being exploited. We want to be seen for who we are and what we have to offer. We’re smarter than we look. We know when words are just empty words. Most guys only speak empty words. For every sincere, genuine, nice guy you find me, I can find you 1,000 assholes. It’s not that women don’t appreciate being complimented, but we want our physical beauty to come third to our mind and our heart.

Women appreciate men who take the time to get to know them. Men who take the time to understand what we like, what we don’t like, what makes us laugh, what makes us smile, what makes us tick. We’re complex but also simple. Who we are, what we need, doesn’t change greatly over time. Men just think we’re mysteries because they never took the time to get to know us. We have passions and desires. We have special parts of us tucked in our heart of hearts.

I’m sick of guys thinking with their dicks. It’s expected, it’s understood, but i’m sick of it. Guys don’t realize the crap women have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. They don’t understand the double standard we live under in our society. They don’t understand how strong we need to be just to survive. We’re strong. We have to be. We would go insane otherwise.

PS: It’s such a turn off when guys are overly possessive, jealous, and selfish when they have noooo right. If a girl isn’t yours, she isn’t yours. You have NO right.

Shy That Way July 8, 2009

+ I’ve been listening to Tristan Prettyman everyday for the last few days. She’s amazing. Listening to her songs made me realize it’s been a long time since I’ve felt so deeply for someone. TJ described her as “broken hearted but appreciative,” which I think is spot on. You can definitely hear the pain in her songs, but you can also hear the maturity and hopefulness. I wish I could remember how it feels to know someone or be with someone who makes you feel full of love, hope, and patience.

+ I had a former professor come into my class today and ask me if I got a call from Preuss. Woop! I guess they sent my resume over there. Hopefully I’ll hear from them soon. It would be absolutely amazing to teach there. As far as I know, I’m only the second person whose resume’s been sent over to them. Keeping me fingers crossed!!

+ This next year is my last year in SD for a while. I’m trying to soak up what I can of this SD lifestyle. The sun, the moon, the stars, the beach, the neighborhoods, the familiar roads, the delicious grub, the super chill people, my students…

+ For those who don’t know (and that should be most of you since I’ve only told 3 ppl), after I get my M.Ed. and teaching credential I’m taking off to go abroad for 4 years. The idea is to go to 4 different areas around the world to teach there for a year each. Right now I’m thinking Taiwan, India, Africa, and Australia. I realize that four years is a long time, I realize that these places are far away, I realize that I’m probably getting in over my head considering I’ve never left SD, but I’m so incredibly excited. What more can I ask more? I’ll get to do what I love (teach) while traveling the world, learning about different cultures, and trying different foods. I’ll get to learn about the different education systems around the world and bring the best of what I’ve seen back to America, and by working with these children, I’ll literally be leaving footprints around the world. As an ordinary person with ordinary attributes, I forget how great an impact teachers are on students’ lives.

+ Going to Fred’s tonight with Deb and Jess even though it’s Wednesday. Going to the Incubus concert tomorrow. Going to On Broadway on Saturday with EDS ppl and our friends. I’m excited. This week (finals week) has been painful, but the aforementioned events have my very very excited.

Electric July 6, 2009

These tears stain the wood
Like cups and condensation
I am bound to you
I cannot break the situation
He’s every subject
Of every song
Like the wind carries
He moves me along
And the shadows I can’t run from
They won’t let me go
He’s the ending of a story
That I’ll never know

He’s electric
Can’t forget it
Yeah he’s electric
Don’t forget it

Sometimes he fills me up
Sometimes it’s such a shock
This is more than I bargained for
More than I would have bought
You still look at me
With well acquainted eyes
As the memories come flooding back
In a field of butterflies

It’s electric
Don’t forget
Yeah it’s electric
I can’t forget it

I know there’s hope in there
But I wanna walk away
He’s says it’s bright in there
Even in lighter shades of grey
And though it looks like rain
I’m not gonna cry
As the seasons are changing
In your heart
So will I
I will fly

Electric

Oh yes the seasons are changing
Ohh yes the seasons are changing
I’m burning up
I’m burning up
I’m electric

Too Close July 3, 2009

+ I’m rocking out to old school R&B right now and totally loving it! I heard this song (Next – Too Close) last night at Johnny V’s and it was amaaazing. Magical.

+ Quick school update. I did walk. I started grad school. Almost done with first session (which has been super lame. 9 AM’s every day).

+ I have an interview with SDUSD coming up in 10 days. Oof. It should be ok and I really hope I can get a job. I’m definitely not stressing about it, but still hoping for the best.

+ I might be moving outta my apartment sooner than I planned. And if I do move, it’ll be as sweet as sweet can be. ;P

+ I’ve had a lot of major “life moments” these last couple of weeks. I think this transitional period in my life lent itself to these moments. I feel like I’m a stronger, surer person. I know what I want, what I need, what helps, what hurts. I know what matters to me at the end of the day. I’ve done a lot of thinking about myself as an individual and myself in relation to other people. I’m aware of what kind of person I am, my strength and weaknesses, and I understand my role in relationships. I’m a daughter, sister, teacher, and friend. I am a giver, a people pleaser, an empathizer. I am weak, lonely, and hurt. I suppress pain that I don’t realize is pain. I am self-destructive. I want to help people, save people, direct people. I want to be someone’s lifeline. I want to find strength in someone and I want someone to find strength in me.

+ Hank Moody is the bomb. “The sun is chirping, the birds are shining, and the water is wet. Life is good.”