Oh, and Pandora’s the bomb.
Last Request October 27, 2008
- It’s funny how the same bed can be too big and too small.
- Today was another awesome day at CHS. I basically took the reins and was the teacher for the day. I modified the lesson plan and totally made it work. It’s awkward when the real teacher acknowledges what I’m doing though, especially when it’s in front of all the students…I feel like her kind words shouldn’t be falling on an uncertified teacher.
- I haven’t posted about school in a while. Hahaha. Probably cuz I’m so far from being a student. I go to class, I’m on top of my reading, I’m always second to submit my weekly paper…but eh. EDS classes are so unfulfilling. Math made me think, made me sweat. EDS is so bland, straightforward.
- I’m so sick of my chicken and broccoli/cauliflower every night. I’m such a bad cook. Over half the time, the chicken comes out burnt. Ahhh. At least I try. ;P
Better Than October 26, 2008
+ That wine was not good to me last night. Well, actually, it was great. I was laughing uncontrollably for a while and was on my game in beer pong, but I guess that’s always supplemented with the downturn.
+ In the last couple of weeks it’s become more and more apparent who I can actually call a friend. It’s about more than just calling a person when you need or want something. I’m easy to use and take advantage of. A friend is someone who can learn that about me but not exploit it.
+ I’ve been running into a lot of people from the past. Some of these people I do want to reconnect with, some people I don’t mind that bridges have been burned. I think that’s good. I should be learning to be pickier about who I hang out with. Not everyone is a good influence in my life. It seems like the only people I will still make an effort to see or hang out with are the people who were there for me when I needed them.
+ Today was my one day to sleep in. I woke up way way too early.
+ This last week of student teaching and stuff went really well. I got to teach the entire lesson for both my 6th grade periods. For my high school kids, they’ve started deferring to me as the teacher and I have to keep telling them I’m not entitled to make these decisions for them or answer those questions for them. There’s one student who usually sleeps during tests and never does his classwork, but on Friday he moved up to the front table for the test and looked me in the eyes and said he was gonna try his hardest on this one. I graded it and he did very well. There’s another girl who was always very hostile and cold to me when I formerly asked her to do her work. She spends class periods drawing incredibly detailed pictures of all sorts of things. After helping her with her last test, I realized how smart she is. She doesn’t need my help, just my encouragement. I got a smile from her on Friday.
+ I can’t wait to be a teacher. It’s because of people like Richard and Brenda that I want to become a teacher. I’m so lucky to have a career ahead of me that I’m so certain I want to be a part of. You always hear about people applying to med school but not being sure of why they want to become doctors…or if they even truly want to. You hear about people who get into careers they despise. I’m excited to get my credential. I have the highest hopes for myself in this regard.
Twork It Out October 21, 2008
Last Friday at Clairemont High School, a student there came up to me and said, “I think I’m gonna drop out.” I thought he meant he was gonna transfer out of the class but he actually meant that he wanted to drop out of high school. I advised him not to, saying if he did all the doors of this world would be closed to him. He came back yesterday and told me that he had thought about what I said and decided to stay in high school.
I don’t know why, but this interaction with this student has really stuck with me. He’s a quiet student, sits in the front, doesn’t ask for help. This is his fourth time taking Algebra, and in his eyes, he just can’t do it. I doubt his parents would have let him drop out of high school so the end result (him staying in school) would have been the same with or without me, but it’s shocking that dropping out of high school is a heavily weighed option for these students.
I’m getting through to the high school kids. I didn’t think I’d be able to, but I should’ve known by now, it’s just a matter of cracking that shell. Everyone holds people off at first, but eventually, they let them in. Well, most people anyway.
Things have been a little messy, a little complicated in my own personal life, but I’m holding my own, getting things done.
My CT is having a medical procedure done so she’s out today and tomorrow. That means I get two days off from the 6th graders. Oof. The kids are cute, but I think I definitely want to work with high school kids in the future. Maybe middle school to start with, but high school for the long run.
Delta.
My Way October 10, 2008
+ My students at Farb MS and at Clairemont HS call me Ms. Cheng. It’s the strangest thing! The teachers insist that I have the students call me that so that I distinguish myself from them, but I’d much rather just be Angela.
+ I saw a bunch of my former students from the summer today. Apparently, they all have homeroom together and were all asking me to come. I told them that they had another tutor (I didn’t want to be stepping on toes), but Ms. Lucas said I should come too, so, yeah, I’ll be going in early on Fridays now to chill with that class. 
+ I hate updating my resume. I feel like all the jobs I have are all the same. My job descriptions are all the same… 
+ My personal statement is not coming together very well. I feel like I have 5 different mini “papers” going on in there. I’m thankful that I have so many motivations and inspirations to become a teacher, but I need to weave this into a masterpiece. Lol. Maybe I’ll have Irene read it, pick her favorite part, and then expand on that, deleting the rest.
+ I’m grabbing lunch with Max on Sunday. I’m glad he’s out. I’m glad he called me. I hope when I see him he’s doing well. I know it could’ve been easy in there…
+ Happy Friday! One of the kids in a class today was like, “It’s already Friday?”, and I very directly corrected him to “It’s finally Friday.” Oof! This was the world’s longest week. Very stressful, full of ups and downs. I’m exhausted.
I don’t know what they want from me
It’s like the more money we come across
The more problems we seek
Interviews October 8, 2008
+ It’s late. I can’t sleep even though I have the longest day tomorrow. I know what’s keeping me up, but I refuse to remedy it.
+ Matt called me tonight to set up a play date. That was a lovely treat. I can’t wait to tell him about how Chris is in one of my classes again. Having Chris as a student again gonna be great. I see so much potential in him and those 6 weeks this summer just wasn’t enough to bring it all out in him. Hopefully after this school year I’ll see some changes in him.
+ I have 8 classes worth of student’s names to learn. That’s a lot of students, a lot of names. Goooooood luck to me! The 6th graders seem really sweet. The 9th graders are great as well, just…a little more unruly.
+ Tonight, I finished more reading for EDS than I had planned so while i was sitting on my thumbs I was thinking about why things have unraveled the way they have. It’s cuz over the years I’ve developed the awful habit of putting all my eggs in one basket. I put too much faith and hope into people, events, and material things. I assume they’ll last, but they don’t. I never consider what’ll happen if things don’t turn out as I expect. You’d think that I would’ve learned by now that people fail you, events come to an end, and material things break down. It’s only wise to hope for the best but plan for the worse. Silly me, I just hope for the best with no consideration that things can go wrong.
+ It’s been 3 days. I feel good except that I can’t sleep. I’m proud of myself for standing on my own two feet this time. I didn’t need other people’s strength this time. Hmmm. My head’s been hurting. I wonder if that’s a part of it too. Probably.
+ Nhan chatted on the phone with me for a while to entertain my insomnia. That was sweet of him.
+ I might go to beach ultimate with Andre tomorrow. If I don’t sleep soon, I doubt I’ll have any energy left in me by the time my day ends, but we’ll see. It’d be nice to go run around on the beach at night.
+ PB on Thursday! I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been down there even though we only missed last week, but it’s been much longer than that since I’ve seen TJ. Tsk to him for missing all these weeks of Heroes at my place.
+ It’s 3. I’ve drained my red stripe. I shall try sleeping again.
All At Once October 5, 2008
I used to say that I hated being surrounded by people and feeling alone.
I take that back.
The only thing worse than that is to actually be alone.
I live alone and every day I’m stuck with my thoughts, my feelings, my views. It’s a lonely feeling. Very lonely.
I’ve driven everyone away.
I have my students, but they’re my students. Besides, they don’t want me there. I’m no fun as a tutor.
I fill my time with work. Who juggles four jobs as a student? Even as a part-time student, four jobs is excessive. Strangely, it’s not enough. I need to fill my evenings. It’s dreadful when the sun sets and I’m alone in the dark.
I know this sounds sad, but I’m not sad. It’s ok. I don’t mind being alone…I just haven’t been THIS alone in a long time. No friends, just acquaintances. No man, just boys. No Penny, just her bowl. No school, just a class. No math. No appetite. No laughs.
I laughed a lot as a kid. I laughed a lot in high school. I have a fake laugh now, one that’s pointed out to me every time I use it.
I’ve changed. I’ve pushed people away. Damn.
Bye Bye October 1, 2008
I love that we have months within the year. Approximately every 30 days, you get to turn the page and start in on a new month with new hopes and goals. Imagine of only getting to “reset” every 365 days.
I messed up last month, but it’s October. I like October…but there’s always Sweet November. I had a realization tonight that I’m very much on my own. I have my own place and I’m not attached. I have to look out for myself and do everything to my best ability. I am the student I make myself. I make what I want of my four jobs. I’m as healthy as the extent I care. I am as mentally strong as I let myself be.
I don’t want to be overly optimistic this time. I don’t want anyone else to be either. No matter what though, I have to keep trying…there has to be at least that.
Come find me if I disappear.
