It’s 2 AM but I can’t sleep. I don’t know if it’s because of the time change or because of all these thoughts running through my head. I thought I’d try to kill two birds with one stone by making a post.In math, we have “If…then…” statements and we have “…if and only if…” statements. The first one can be shorthanded to an one-directional arrow: =>. The second one can be shorthanded to a two-directional arrow: <=>. This means, the statement is true in both directions. For example, you could say, “For some integer x, x is odd <=> x/2 is not an integer.”In society, due to our rights as humans, even though we have have the two-directional arrow for a lot of things, the arrow coming back (<=) is usually a big no-no. If an F student becomes an A student, great. If an A student becomes a F student, tsk tsk. Shame on you. If an atheist becomes a Christian, the angels in heaven dance for you. If a Christian becomes an atheist, the fires of Hell await you.I’ve been thinking about religion a lot. Perhaps it’s because the book I just finished (Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult) dealt with the topic a lot. Perhaps it’s because I want to find my way back to believing, but cannot.A couple weeks ago, I was sitting in front of Center Hall waiting for my Math 102 class to start. I do this every MWF and I usually go undisturbed. This day though (it was raining), I was sitting under this awning and these two girls came up to me and I saw they were holding this little yellow booklet. I’d seen it before. Just a week ago, Christine came over to where Joe, Vicky, and I were flashing this same yellow book telling us this girl just read the whole thing to her, trying to have her accept Christ. Well, when I saw these two girls, I knew what was coming for me, and so when these girls asked me if I had 5 minutes for them to read this to me, I told them, “I already am a Christian. Or, was one.” Both girls raised an eyebrow. One asked, “You were a Christian?” I explained that I used to be very religious but that I’d found it harder and harder to believe in a lot of things. Anyway, I don’t know how it happened, but somehow, they still ended up reading the booklet to me and everytime they got to a question in the book, I knew the answer. “What’s separating us from God?” “Sin.” “What’s the only way for us to get to God?” “His son, Jesus.”At the end, they had this picture of two “thrones.” One with a letter S sitting on it, one with a cross on it. It was supposed to make us question what was at the center of our lives, sitting on the throne in our heart. Ourselves or Jesus? Well, I honestly answered that I was the one with the S on the throne. I’m sure if I had just pointed at the other circle, they’d walk away happy, but why lie. Anyway, after that, I went on to explain why I could not join their youth group or step foot in a church. The thing is, everything I asked them, I had an answer for already. I had answered these same questions when kids in my youth group had asked me, their youth group leader.”If God is loving, fair, and merciful, why is there hate, murder, rape, death, AIDs, etc.?”"The Bible says that we cannot know good until we know evil. We cannot trust in God unless we know what it means to need Him. He cannot raise us up if we have not fallen.”"Isn’t there a better way? Do people have to be killed and raped for us to know and love God? Can’t he just give us a world of peace where all we do is worship him?”"No, he gave us free will so that we could choose to follow him. He does not want our love to be robotic. He wants it to be sincere and hopeful.”When I gave these answers to my youth group, they didn’t challenge it. They took my answer and was content with it. However, if I asked these questions now, and got that for an answer, I would not be satisfied. Not even close. See, for those answers to even make sense, the person has to first believe there IS a God. They have to believe there IS Jesus connecting us to God. If that fundamental belief isn’t there, all the rest is…gibberish.I believe in Jesus. I believe that he was a real person who walked this Earth. I believe he went around doing good deeds. I believe he gave people hope and that people saw grace flow from him. I believe the stories in the New Testament occurred. Perhaps not every detail, but for the most part, I believe. I believe Jesus lived a selfless, humble, patient life that we should all model after.I do not believe that Mary was a virgin. I do not believe in the majority of the Old Testament (parting of the Red Sea, Noah’s Ark, Daniel and the lion’s den, David and Goliath). I don’t know if Jesus really did come back to life. I don’t know if Jesus will come back. I don’t know if the world was created in 6 days. I definitely don’t believe in evolution though. Faith. The things we find hard to believe in, we’re supposed to take a leap of faith and accept it. Believe in what you cannot see. But what if your faith runs out?I think religion is great for ppl who believe in whatever God they believe in. I think religion helps people make sense of what they’re doing here on Earth, of where they’re going after Earth. I think it’s a good moral code. Oh yeah, that’s the other thing. I hated when Christians would brush things aside and just said it was the devil’s fault. The devil’s temptation, the devil’s thoughts. I don’t believe there’s an evil force out there trying to pull us all down. I think evil lives inside all of us (right next to the good in all of us). It’s all the justifications we give ourselves for not doing what’s right and good. What makes us a good or bad person is just which side we listen to. Our conscience, if you will.Do I believe in hell? Used to. Can’t say I do now. Do I believe in heaven? Yes. Do I believe God is up there? Jesus is up there? Who knows. I think a belief in Heaven is necessary, or anyone who has ever lost a loved one will be forever tormented thinking that their husband, wife, mother, father, brother, sister, friend, aunt, uncle, dog, etc are just rotting away in the earth. I don’t think anyone should need to believe in hell. You would never want to imagine a loved one there. You should never wish that upon an enemy. If you need to think of hell to keep you walking in the light, then you aren’t walking the path for the right reasons. Religious faith should come from believing in what you think is true, not from what you fear. My shoulder hurts from sitting in this weird position in bed. And I really should try to sleep again. Good night. (I know, this is the worst concluding paragraph to the world’s longest post by me. If you got this far, and are completely let down, I’m sorry. I always sucked at conclusions.)
Some Devil March 8, 2008
Here’s what I learned today:
- Unconditional love is an abstract and figurative term. It doesn’t exist. It first appeared in the Bible, and even though I’ve lost my faith, I’d like to believe that Jesus’ love for us is unconditional. I’d like to believe that in some dimension, in some other world, in some other life, unconditional love is real. But here, in the present, it is not. Parents will give up on their children. Husbands and wives will get divorced. Best friends will grow apart. Humans can love, but we cannot fathom what it means to truly love unconditionally.
- Humans are different from animals in that we can be with people and still feel deathly alone. We can be told we’re beautiful and lovely, but still feel like garbage and trash. What’s truly scary though is what and who causes it. When that feeling creeps up, it’s suffocating. In every way, it suffocates.
Sorry To A Friend March 4, 2008
With finals week approaching, I feel this overwhelming concern about the students in my Psych 60 section. I’ve only met a total of 10-ish students this entire quarter, but I when I check their midterm scores, I get disappointed. I feel like I didn’t prepare them well enough or that I didn’t explain a concept in a way that made sense to them. Maybe I didn’t make myself available (nor approachable) enough. Maybe I’m not qualified to be TAing. Maybe I’m a bad TA. Maybe I’ll be a bad teacher.
However, today, I got my own midterms back. When I did well, I didn’t think, “Oh man. My TA did such a good job preparing me for this exam.” When I did not-so-well, I didn’t think, “If only I had a better TA…” My midterm scores, my homework grades, my entire education is based on my own efforts. Did I prepare myself well enough. Did I explain a concept in a way that made sense to me. Did I make myself available to myself. Maybe I’m qualified to be at UCSD. Maybe I’m a decent student. Maybe I’ll be a decent graduate student.
It’s all about perspective.
-=-=-=-
A few quotations from Beautiful Boy:
“Of course I still want to believe him. I don’t think it’s simply that I am gullible, but I cannot fathom the implications of his behavior. When change takes place gradually, it’s difficult to comprehend its meaning.”
“I am in a silent war against an enemy as pernicious and omnipresent as evil. Evil? I don’t believe in evil any more than I believe in God. But at the same time I know this: only Satan himself could have designed a disease that has self-deception as a symptom, so that its victims deny they are afflicted, and will not seek treatment, and will vilify those on the outside who see what’s happening.”
” ‘There’s never any knowing…which of our actions, which of our idlenesses won’t have things hanging on it for ever.’ I am almost shaking. I think, How innocent we are of our mistakes and how responsible we are for them.”
Ocean Breathes Salty March 2, 2008
- Jon and I are going to Americana for lunch for the second Sunday in a row. New tradition? Mmm. Yum. Hope so! Lol. I’m waiting for him to get ready so I thought I’d make a post instead of doing linear algebra. Lol.
- I switched rooms with Wayne yesterday. It only took a few hours which was rather surprising. I have A LOT of clothes…and a lot of bags. I had moved a bunch down and then I open a drawer and there’s 3 more bags waiting for me. Oy voy. I like it down here though. It’s where I should’ve been to begin with. I’ve always liked it down here the most.
- My second set of midterms was this last week. I think it was ok. I hate waiting for scores to come back…I get 102 on Monday, 142 on Tuesday, and 170 on Wednesday. Man….I hope that doesn’t ruin the week. Lol.
- The quarter is almost over. Almost. Moving so slow.
- I started reading Beautiful Boy by David Sheff on Friday. It’s really good. They’re selling it at Starbucks (which, of course, is where I got it). It’s a PERFECT spring break read for all y’all. It’s only 300-ish pages and it’s a super easy read. You go through it with no effort.
- Penny’s really confused by the move. I’m gonna take her to the groomers and dog park after lunch with Jon. I didn’t have time to take her this last week cuz of midterms…I think she’s a bit sick of being pent up in here.
- Good luck with the rest of the quarter! Good luck with finals (or midterms if you still have them)!
