School sucks. Actually, just geometry sucks. Oh, Algebra’s kind of lame too. Statistics is a breeze so far (but that’s expected I guess since it couldn’t be harder than Math 183). EDS is interesting, as always.
Dancing in the Moonlight October 2, 2007
Warning: This is basically just me venting and complaining. Feel free to skip over it.
I hate when it gets to be late at night and everyone’s sleeping except for me. Well, Penny just woke up to go potty so she’s with me, but probably not for long. I love her. She’s the best.
Being at home is a lot harder than I thought it’d be. The conveniences of not having to cook or clean is really great. I love that there’s always a full fridge. I’m so glad that Penny has a house to run around in as opposed to a small apartment. If I could decide again though, I’d want to move out. I just feel…confined at home. I went off to college 2 years ago and found this whole other side of me I didn’t know I had. Moving back home feels like I’ve taking 3 squares back. I’m back in high school. I’m checking in with my parents every day. I’m right back to being the person I think my parents want me to be, who my siblings expect me to be. I hated that feeling in high school and it’s even harder now.
It’s tough having a completely different schedule from Jon. He has classes in the morning. I don’t start classes until 12:30 or even 2 on some days. I tutoring. He works until evening. By the time we get to hang out, either one or both of us are too tired to function. To make matters worse, school’s kicking my ass already.
It’s the 3rd day of lecture and I already feel behind. I don’t feel like I’m in control and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it. It’s strange because I never thought I was the kind of person who needed to control a situation, but I guess I am. I had been so used to being controlled by Michelle, my parents, my friends, so used to being told what to do, how to act, and when, that I never felt the need to control anything for myself, but it honestly drives me insane. Maybe it’s the OCD side of me that needs everything to be done a certain manner in a certain time, but God I just don’t know how to cope when things go wrong.
Oh, back to the living situation thing, sure it’s an option to move out now, but really, it’s not. I think my parents expect me to hang around for at least another 2 years…probably 3. In other words, I don’t think I’m getting out of this house until I get a job or get married.
You know how when you were little adults used to tell you that you couldn’t do things until you were a certain age? Well, for me, now it’s that I can’t do certain things until I’m married. Can’t travel, can’t move out, etc etc. I just want to live like a typical 20 year old. I don’t want the responsibilities that are looming over my head. I don’t want to be acting 30. For once, I don’t want to grow up fast.
Jon’s always telling me that I’ll “rise to the occassion.” I like when he tells me that though cuz it keeps me hopeful, but I’m still waiting for that moment when I do. I could be working on math but I’m making this post. I could be sleeping but I’m just sitting in bed in the dark. I could be taking control of my life but I’m letting it control me.
I want to go to an open field and scream and unload, but I’m sick and my throat won’t allow for that. I think I’m just tired of constantly smiling and saying I’m well. Next post won’t be so bitchy. I promise. (Sorry for saying bitchy, Irene. No other word for it though.)
