True July 30, 2006

• This is my last week of Sociology. The class was alright. To be honest, I’m pretty bored by it. On Thursday, I kept yawning all through class and I’m pretty sure my professor hates me for it now. Hopefully the in-class final on Thursday won’t be too bad and I can get that A in the class.
• Sociology finishes on the 3rd and then I’ll have a few days off before Chinese starts on the 7th. I have two quarter of Chinese words to relearn. Meh. I hate Chinese. I’m so glad I’m done after this fall quarter. Taking a language during summer school was a terrible idea. 4 hours an evening, 5 nights a week.
• I don’t know if I posted about this, but I decided to spread my classes out more. So now, I’m taking a quarter of classes during my 4th year. This works out nicely cuz then I’ll have two quarters off  to relax before starting grad school in the summer. UCSD’s grad program for teaching starts in the summer after graduation. I’ll be done with that in 4 quarters. I’ll be done with everything at 21. Start teaching at 22 (hopefully). Oh, the other great thing about taking the extra quarter is that I’ll get to walk with everyone.
• Jon’s going to SB to stay with his uncle and might be coming as early as next weekend. Yay! Weekend trips.
• I’m supposed to be reading right now…but I really don’t want to be..a;lskjfasf.

Thicker Than Water July 25, 2006

I’m fortunate enough to not have many allergies. In fact, I only know of one.
I break out in hives if I eat too many berries.
In the last 48 hours, I’ve had a lot of blueberries.
2 boxes from Vons and one box from Costco.
I’m paying for it. I’m itching.

Es Por Ti July 25, 2006

• I had a fabulous weekend. Best one in the summer by far.
• I haven’t needed to go to work since last Wednesday so I’ve had 5 days off now. How fabulous.
• Friday and Saturday I worked for my dad (all of Friday and part of Saturday).
• Jon was here this weekend. I’m sad he’s gone already though. It didn’t feel like a weekend. But it was fabulous. We ate at lovely places (minus the gorillas…), went shopping at South Coast Plaza, and had a blueberry stuffing contest. Lol. It was fun. And for better news, he might be staying in SB in August which brings him 500 miles closer.
• Jess and I got coffee today. 3 hour convo at Starbucks. It’s always nice catching up with her cuz we pick up right where we left off. She found my coaster in my bag. Lol. How embarassing. Is there anyone that doesn’t think it’s weird? I don’t see what’s strange in it but I have not been getting good reactions from ppl.
• It’s so hot. So hot. I’m doing my part in conserving energy though! I’ve been turning off my computer during the day and at night…and for those of you who don’t know me as well, this is monumental. It really is.
• I got my gels filled today. Arg. Not happy with them. ::sigh:: Last time it was a bad pedicure. This time it’s a bad fill. Deb, I know what you’re thinking. Don’t say it.
• Oksana, you’ll appreciate this. I was driving to class (yes, i went) one morning and I was listening to the radio. It was the morning of the opening day at the racetracks so of course they’re talking about the big hats and the fashion trends of this year. All that jazz. Anyway, someone said something funny and I laughed out loud in my car and thought of you (Oksana) cuz I remember in the mornings at TP after you pulled into the parking spot next to mine, you’d be sitting in your car laughing…and I’d think you were really strange. Now I’m you. Great. Lol. Just kidding. Can’t wait for you to come home so we can go to that cafe.

Too Much July 19, 2006

I’ve been at work for an hour and a half. Still no sign of my supervisor. Maybe I should leave.

I noticed (while i’ve been sitting here bored as ever) that I can move my big and little toe independently, but I have no way of moving (meaning bend) my 2nd, 3rd, or 4th toe without moving the others. Why is that? It must be something with the muscles. If anyone knows, that’d be sick.

So What July 19, 2006

I’ve been at work for nearly an hour and I can’t find my supervisor. I’ve been organizing the office supplies in my desk. What a great use of my time.

Talk July 15, 2006

Haven’t made a valid update in a couple days. Sorry. I’ve been too busy starving myself (and then going to the gym), watching 24, and working on this take home midterm.

Yes, that’s right. I’ve finished all the seasons of Scrubs I have on my harddrive and am now working on all the seasons of 24. I watched 11 hours straight yesterday.

I’m really over the take-home midterm. I’ve finished everything but the intro and conclusion of my paper. It’s absolutely awful. C level by Andy’s standards. Maybe C-. I’ll revise it. Bring it up.

Starting that third “job” next weekend. Goes in quotes cuz helping Daddy and getting paid hardly counts as a job.

We’re reading about gender inequality in my sociology class right now. It’s somewhat interesting stuff. The thing with a class like sociology is that it all seems fairly straight forward. Like, all these “hidden issues” are all embedded in the back of our minds so we know about the issues because we’ve experienced it first hand. We just don’t think of it as an issue until we’re forced to in a class.

I don’t know what I just wrote about there. Not sure where I was taking that.

I’mmmmmmmmmmm spent. Ciao.

We’re Forgiven July 14, 2006

Today, July 14th, is the start of a new diet. No screwing around this time. People always worry when I go on diets because they know how extreme I can get. Don’t though. I’ve got this one under control.

For What Reason July 12, 2006

• I was at work for 8 hours today. Why why why?!?! Before summer started I emailed my supervisor asking him how much he wanted/needed me to work over the summer. He said just a couple times a week for 2 or 3 hours. Um…no. I’ve been putting in an average of 6 hours a day and going in 3-4 times a week. Gahhh. It’s ok. It’s money, but it’s so exhausting since I’m up at 8 every day for class.
• Speaking of class, we got our sociology take home midterm today. It’s a paper, 5 pages max. When the professor was talking about what she expected from us, it made me really miss hum. The stuff she was going over seemed so straight forward and it made me wonder if it’s b/c Andy forced me to do all of that or if everyone felt the same way. Anyway, hopefully I can get a good outline out tonight/tomorrow. All downhill after that.
• I didn’t get to go to the gym today cuz I was stuck at work for so long. I’m exhausted right now. I have reading to do though.
• Goodbye.

Set It Off July 11, 2006

Jon’s visiting next weekend!

Lie In Our Graves July 10, 2006

Overall, bad day.

1. I went to Starbucks before class, i’m pretty sure there was no espresso in my soy vanilla latte. Ugh. It tasted like just soy and the girl that made it is the really sketchy one that ppl always think are drugged on something. So yes, I went to class w/o my morning fix.
2. After class I went to Starbucks again, this time the one in La Jolla, but I thought I’d save myself 40 cents and skip out on the soy and get a regular vanilla latte. Mistake. Tastes absolutely awful. I couldn’t make myself drink more than a quarter of it.
3. I went to work. I got stuck at work. I was there for 6 hours when I was planning to spend no more than 3 or 4 since I was tired already. Arg.
4. I got in about…5 fights with my mom today. That’s cute considering that’s how many we average 2-3 months. Ugh.
5. I can’t focus on the sociology reading for more than 10 minutes. Marx and Weber are terrible writers. My professor said she thought Marx was a “beautiful writer.” No. A million times no.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m so snappy. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m stressed. Maybe I feel disgustingly fat and am avoiding that reality. Maybe I really really really hate being away from Jon. Maybe I’m completely lost in the mess I’ve made of my life and I don’t know where to begin the clean up.

Screw the shitty influences of my first year in college. Screw my inability to internalize my frustrations better. I used to be so good at it…

Jimi Thing July 9, 2006

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I’ve agreed to a 3rd job this summer. Well, actually, i was thinking about how I might possibly be crazy when I realized that I think I’m the kind of person who feels like she needs to prove herself through her works.

How dumb.

Graduating in 3 years to show my parents I’m not an idiot. Taking on three jobs in the summer while taking classes to prove that I can go to school but also handle a job (or three).

I think I’m really dumb for putting my body and mind through this kind of exhaustion. I don’t think I’d be happy having less on my plate though. What a vicious cycle.

Seek Up July 7, 2006

I’ve come to a few realizations today.

1. People make the funniest faces at the gym. Comedy.
2. I’m not “fat” like my mom says. I just have…more to me than I used to.
3. I have way too many clothes. Way too many.
4. I miss Europe much more during the summer.
5. I can’t fit in a philosophy minor. It’ll be my area of focus, but it just won’t fit as a minor. The way my major’s set up, it’s kind of like a double major. Double major + a minor in 3 years? Um, no thanks.
6. DMB in August is gonna be AWESOME! I really hope this summer’s is better than last. The one in 2004 was still the best I’ve been to. I want to hear “Granny,” “#41,” “Crush,” and “Lie In Our Graves.” Please “Lie In Our Graves.” I’ve been wanting to hear that one since 2003. Please please please. (Hahha. I hope Dave reads this. Lol).
7. Summer’s too long.
8. I have a lot to do tonight. So much for a relaxing weekend.

Fly Further July 6, 2006

So my busy, exhausting, and hectic day was topped off with my mom coming into my room and telling me I was fat. And then my little sister confirming it 20 minutes later. Great. I just hate dieting. I never learned how to diet the healthy way…it’s always such an extreme thing for me. I hate putting my body though that. But well, here we go…

We Will Become Silhouettes July 6, 2006

• I went and did all my UCSD errands today. Went to the Chinese department and got added into Chinese 21B for the fall. Then I went over to the math department and found out I do in-fact need to do 20E and F, not just one or the other. Boo. I would’ve dropped E so fast and then skipped around in joy. Too bad. Then I went to the registrar to turn in my add card. That ended up taking close to half an hour. Ridiculous. By then I had to get to discussion. After class I went to the Education Studies office to ask about what I needed to do as an undergrad and grad student to get my credential and stuff. Arggg. Turns out there’s a buncha tests I have to take. CBEST, GRE, CSET, US Constitution exam, and find 3 ppl to write letters of recommendation for me. Arg. The last one’s the hardest. I don’t know any professors. I’ve never been to any professor’s OH. There’s other little things too but those are hardly the main concern. I’m frustrated cuz now I have to do 5 classes every quarter for the next two years to get out in 3 years (which I still want to do). Good news though, I’m done with graduate school in one year. Then NO MORE SCHOOL, EVER! Oh wait. I’m teaching. Hm…it’s different being on that end of it, but yes. I can’t wait to be done with my life as a student. It’s been great, and I’m enjoying it, but it’s way too stressful and exhausting.

• We’re reading Durkheim’s book about suicide in sociology. It’s interesting. He talks about how even though suicide is viewed as the most private and solitary act a person can do, there’s really nothing private about it because it was completely due to society. He can look at you and predict whether or not you’re going to commit suicide based on aggregate patterns. He explains how being single, being married without kids, being married with kids, and being widowed alters men and women differently. The part that really interested me was when he was talking about anomic suicides and social influences in it. He explains that humans are full of “unlimited desires” that are “insatiable by definition.” He goes on to say, “Being unlimited, they constantly and infinitely surpass the means at their command; they cannot be quenched. Inextinguishable thirst is constantly renewed torture.” What a thought. Human nature has it that when we get something, we want more. When we’re rich, we think that we should be able to have certain things, and when we fail to get what we want, we’re left in a state of unhappiness. As Durkheim puts it, “To pursue a goal which is by definition unattainable is to condemn oneself to a state of perpetual unhappiness.” Well, the obvious thing to do to protect yourself from suicide is to want less. Sounds easy enough, but Durkheim explains that no physical means can give man that kind of disciple. To learn to be satisfied with what you have already, you need to turn to a greater moral support. In this case, society. Now society can be any number of things. Religion, politics, family, friends, etc. Why turn to society? Why not just keep going as you are? By turning to society, the “better part of [a person's] existence transcends the body, he escapes the body’s yoke.” It’s through society that people find protection from their unlimited desire for more.
• This is my favorite part of Durkheim’s writing. “A thirst arises for novelties, unfamiliar pleasures, nameless sensations, all of which lose their savor once known. …all these new sensations in their infinite quantity cannot form a solid foundation of happiness to support one during days of trial. The wise man, knowing how to enjoy achieved results without having constantly to replace them with others, finds in them an attachment to life in the hour of difficulty. But the man who has always pinned all his hopes on the future and lived with this eyes fixed upon it, has nothing in the past as a comfort against the present’s afflictions, for the past was nothing to him but a series of hastily experienced stages.”

Hear You Me July 5, 2006

Since I’m taking a sociology class this summer, I’ve sadly had to set aside my new interest in philosophy to view things from a more social view. Tonight, I’m testing it out. (Note: I started writing this a couple nights ago and didn’t finish it until now..so it might be really..choppy. Maybe I’ll edit later.)

In the last few months I’ve really began to notice the importance of higher educations. Remember when you’re in elementary school, first learning long division, some student was always bound to ask the teacher, “Why do we need to learn this? When are we ever going to use this in the real world?” It seems that as you move up in math, the less practical math problems seem. When am I ever going to use differential equations in the real world? When am I ever going to need to taking double derivative triple product rules in the real world? I feel like math is one of those things that will become important at some point in life, even if that “point” is inperceivable at the moment.

Higher education is important, not only for careers, but for the liberation of people’s minds. The greatest thing anyone can learn to do is to be liberal of mind, to be doubtful of authority. The humanities class at UCSD really pushes students to do that, so as much as I may dislike the workload, I love the challenge the class presents. In that class, I get to break away from black and white math calculations and delve into shades of grey. I get to apply reason and logic to history and apply it to the present. I don’t think history so much as repeats itself as the past resounds into eternity. The things we do, the choices we make, effect the outcome of the future. That’s why it’s important to make good choices in life.

Choices, of course, are a direct reflection of our values and morals. I feel like I’ve had very little come along to shake the foundation I’ve so well established myself on. People are coming home from college completely changed because they’ve seen life outside of Del Mar, outside of San Diego. It’s from talking to them that I’ve realized what a large impact society has on people.

A lot of the time, we do things without even thinking about it. We react to a certain situation in a way that we’ve considered to be the norm. However, in the same situation, someone with a different upbringing, someone of a different race, gender, and class, might react entirely differently.

I really admire people who have a free mind, people who can put their argument into well laced sentences. I admire people with conviction, people with passions.

Higher education has made me realize I know so little and have so much more to learn.

Something Inside Of Me July 5, 2006

I’ve come to the conclusion that high school relationships are counterproductive, if not detrimental. How many times in such young relationships did you think to yourself that you could be happy with just him or her? How many times did you think to yourself that this has to be love? The even greater heart wrencher is when graduation rolls around and you decide to keep the relationship going. How many times did you think to yourself that the two of you can make it work?

Sure, there are those relationships that really do exceed people’s expectations and do grow into marriage. For the rest of us who are less fortunate, it ends in heartbreak and loss. A deep loss that really does take a part of you.

I suppose love is one of those things you learn from experience with. You learn just how much to give of yourself to a person, you learn how to slow yourself down as your falling so as not to get hurt if things don’t work out, you learn just what to love, you learn how to be loved, and you learn when it’s real.

I’ve found myself a bit skeptical of love. Not by choice, but by the past. It’s not that I don’t believe in love, because I do. I believe fully in what it can do to a person and in the beauty and grace that comes from it. I guess what I’m struggling with is figuring out how to not let the past affect the present.

It’ll come with time…right?

If You Leave July 4, 2006

“You might find out that thing you hate so much is the same thing you’ll come to miss.”

“Shower shorts?”
“For the man who has nothing to hide..but still wants to.”

“But in the end, what you have to remember is that no matter how alone you feel, with the help of those around you, you’ll make it through this too.”

“In the end, it’s the what if’s that hurt the most.”

“With so many things left up to chance, you can’t help but look back and wonder, ‘What if things had been different?’”

Scrubs is the best.

Something July 3, 2006

The personalized M&M’s thing is way too fun. I almost spent a buncha money on that. Good thing I thought twice about it and realized it wasn’t worth it. However, my little creation did look good.

Flying Horses July 3, 2006

I had a crazy blast from the past today. I’m glad I had it though. It made me really thankful for the present. I’m glad everything that happened a couple years ago happened when it did. I’d hate to have to deal with those emotional ties right now. I’m at a much better place and feeling much better off about everything.

If there ever was a defining moment of closure on the past, this afternoon was it.

Speed Trials July 3, 2006

Malls trap girls. So I got an email from Bebe today saying I get $10 off my next purchase cuz I reached the 250 points mark on my Bebe card. I’m sitting here trying to redeeming the $10 when I read that if I spend $1000 in a year I get even more rewards. What a vicious cycle and what a rip off. I wouldn’t waste my money (definitely not $1000 worth) with Bebe though. If only Aber had some sort of frequent buyer card. That’d be awesome.